A combination of previews for the upcoming Twilight film and the “devastating” break-up of K Stew and R Pattz reminded me of this recap of Breaking Dawn – Part 1 I wrote on my old blog. Here is a slightly edited version of it. I’ll probably do this again when the new one comes out, because if I didn’t laugh about it, I might have to cry. Enjoy!

I recently saw this really obscure, quirky, indie film! You probably haven’t heard of it, because it’s super underground, and is probably too innovative to have any kind of mass appeal anyway.

No but seriously I saw the new Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn: Part 1. You probably have a lot of questions for me, such as, WHY? and SERIOUSLY WHY? and NO? I don’t know, the first three were totally entertaining! I did not read the books, obvs, I’m not a total sadist. I did watch the YouTube series Alex Reads Twilight (don’t get your hopes up…it’s not me reading it, it’s some British guy). Oh, and one time one of my friends was reading the books, and I picked up one of them and read a single sentence: “Bella lurched up the stairs.” I’m not sure how one lurches up stairs, but it doesn’t sound pretty.

But yeah, I’ve seen all the movies. And I contend they are totally hilarious in a weird, oh-my-god-how-is-this-really-a-thing kind of way. There is slow-motion running and pretty terrible CGI and over-dramatic teens and crappy acting and self-righteous wolves and vampire boyfriends who are super controlling and a heroine who NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN WHAT HER APPEAL IS SHE IS JUST WORTH STARTING INTER-SPECIES WARS OVER AND SHE’S CLUMSY I GUESS? OK.

This latest instalment, however, took things too far. Now, the negative messages of the Twilight series have been rehashed ad nauseam. But I haven’t written anything about them yet, so…yeah, I’m going to write my synopsis of it.

“Seriously, why do you have to marry Edward? Can’t you move in with him or something?”

First of all, you should know that nothing in this movie makes any sense. It doesn’t even try. It’s like, this can be insanely stupid and illogical and tweens will watch the shit out of it. Damn it tweens! You’re ruining it for everyone. OK, so at the beginning, Edward and Bella are going to get married. It’s great because they’re soulmates I guess! At the age of 18, Bella has met all the boys ever in the world, so she knows for sure that Edward is the only one for her. PLUS he’s a vampire, and she seems to totally want to be a vampire too so that’s a plus (no idea why because gross you have to eat blood and live forever, that sounds SO TERRIBLE). Bella’s dad is all suspicious, but is also really, really stupid because he doesn’t seem to ever suspect that Edward is maybe not a regular human type person. He’s a really, really bad cop. Bella’s mom is like “Hurray my teenage daughter is finally getting married, it’s about time, I thought she was going to be a spinster!”

“I think I wanna marry you?” – Bruno Mars

Anyway, Bella’s walking down the aisle and looks like she’s totally dreading the whole thing, but maybe that’s because she had a nightmare the night before? Not sure. Even in her dream sequence she was a bad actress. Anyway, she marries Edward and they make out forever. Anna Kendrick is funny, I wish she had been in this more! Jacob, that guy who’s a wolf, shows up and finds out Edward and Bella are totally going to DO IT before Bella is turned into a vampire. He’s like, “No, it will kill you or hurt you or something!” Uh what? Does Edward have an insanely large penis? Why will it kill her? No one explains that. Edward and Bella go away on a top-secret honeymoon for some reason. Her dad is like “I’m suspicious, but OK. BYE.” They go to Rio. Vampires are known for a love of the sun, so that makes sense. Edward doesn’t sparkle at all in this movie! I thought that was his schtick!

“Seriously though, I hope your vampire penis doesn’t kill me. Haha…ha.”

They totally do have sex and break the whole bed! Crazy vampire sex! Don’t worry, they don’t show any actual sex scenes. The next day, Bella has like, two bruises, and Edward is like, “OMG we can never do that again, I totally hurt you!” and she’s like, “What, I’m fine, didn’t we get married so we could have sex? What was the point of getting married then?” (I wish you had said that Bella. That would have been a good point.) Anyway, then later she begs him to have sex with her so he does. Ugh, what. That’s awful and stupid. So then all of a sudden she realizes she’s pregnant after staring at her totally flat stomach. But she did puke once I guess. Yeah, it’s totally awkward being pregnant with a vampire baby, and Edward’s family doesn’t know what to do or anything, and Edward totally wants her to get rid of it.

“Do I look fat in this shirt?”

The thing about vampire babies is, they have an extremely fast gestation period, as everyone knows. So suddenly, Bella looks like she’s six months pregnant. I don’t know how much time has actually gone by. Maybe a month or so? Anyway, she tells her dad she’s sick and isn’t coming home, but really she IS back home with Edward’s family. Have I mentioned her dad is a bad cop? He doesn’t know that his daughter is in the same small town where they live. Ugh. Anyway even though Bella’s super pregnant, one of Edward’s “sisters” or whatever is like, “You should totes get rid of it!” because she thinks the birth will kill her. Um, how would they get rid of it at this stage without killing Bella anyway? Also, they never say “abort” just “get rid of it.” But yeah, Bella’s hearing none of it, she’s like, “Vampire don’t preach…I’m having my baby.” Edward is pissy because he’s not getting his way and he’s horrible.

Bella, gaunt with child.

Then Bella gets really sick and weak and (gross alert) they find out (based on like, a random thought based on absolutely nothing) that the baby wants blood, so Bella drinks blood and it’s SO GROSS. I wanted to vomit. OH also they can’t leave the house now, because the wolves are mad about the vampire baby? I have no idea why. They seem to think it’s an abomination, but I don’t know why they even care that much. They want to kill it and Bella, but Jacob is like, “No just kill the innocent baby you assholes, leave Bella alone because I love her for some reason, because she’s so clumsy maybe?” and they’re like, “No” so Jacob goes off on his own and protects Edward’s family.

I’m not posting stills of Bella in labour. That’s too gross for the internet.

Anyway, Bella goes into labour and has the GROSSEST BIRTH EVER except for maybe actual birth. But this was pretty gross! Then Edward has a Pulp Fiction-style shot of venom, which is how people become vampires I guess? That’s weird, but OK. So He gives her that, and seems to die. But the baby is alive! It’s a girl, named…wait for it….RENESMEE! It’s a combination of Renee and Esme who…I don’t remember who they are but who cares. Renesmee!!!

Oh, hello creepiest fan art ever.

Jacob is supposed to kill the baby, though I’m not sure if he was really going to, but instead he imprints with it, which is what the wolves do when they like, pick a mate I guess. Yeah, for serious! A grown man-wolf locks eyes with a human-vampire baby that was literally just born and is like, “I want to do you someday.” WHAT!?!? It’s so weird and horribly wrong, I don’t even know. And what if the baby doesn’t want to be with some douchebag who used to be in love with her mother when she grows up? In any case, now the wolves can’t kill the baby because one of their own has imprinted with it, which is THEIR MOST SACRED RULE, which I’m pretty sure was mentioned for the first time after the fact, but uh, OK.

Hey, uh, Bella? I think you have something in your eye.

Back to Bella…don’t worry! She’s not dead for realsies. Venom takes over her blood or something and then she opens her eyes and they’re red! She’s a vampire now, duh. Who knows what happens next, because that’s the end of the movie. In the next one, maybe she tells her dad she’s a vampire with a vampire baby! Or maybe her dad figures it out using his award-winning detective skills. Don’t worry, he won’t. Maybe she and Edward will get a divorce! Maybe they can have sex now because she’s a vampire? Probably I’m going to be grossed out by whatever happens with Jacob and that baby. Peter Facinelli will probs be there because he plays the father figure vampire, and that will make me sad, because come on, Peter Facinelli, you’re better than that. Whatever happens, it’ll probably be terrible and gross, and I will totally watch it with sick fascination, because I just can’t help it! If watching Twilight and hating almost every minute of it is wrong, I don’t want to be right.